Luckily, these pesky protagonists spend a lot of time off in the wilderness meeting their Shadow of Mordor-esque nemeses, bonking lore-friendly versions of Fallout's deathclaws with warhammers, and trying to master their overhauled swordplay.
This allows for some interesting and intimate moments between wardens without much else to do: one of which has been captured by a sneaky player on Reddit.
What do you think Skyrim guard small talk sounds like?
The thread about this rare event in the Skyrim subreddit began with a post user SirBeanie08, who shared an image of two guards enjoying a picturesque view together, captioning it: “Found these two Markarth guards just sharing a moment together.”
A bunch of fellow players queued up to take a guess at what the pair could be whispering to each other, with user milbro0813 suggesting the conversation went as follows:
(Guard 1:) “Do you think there is more to this life then enforcing laws, chasing adventurers, and having to find out who stole a sweetroll?”
(Guard 2:) “You've been hitting skooma, haven't you?”
User gorillacanon also went the philosophical route, suggesting that the guards could be wondering what their purpose in life is aside from guarding things. Accomplished-fig91, an the other hand, thought the conversation might be about whether there is a God, or, as it is in the Elder Scrolls universe, Gods plural.
Elsewhere, user DeadByOtzStans implied that their little chat might be a little bit more intimate, with tearful compliments and occasional bashful glances being exchanged between bros.
A few users decided to come up with a name for this phenomenon, leading Tacitus_Kilgore85 to declare: “[it’s a] Brorizon. When two bros share the horizon.”, while Comprehensive_Cap290 dubbed the encounter: “Brokeback Markarth.”
If this is the kind of way you think when you see two guards just having a nice time together, then StinkyAegis’ ‘Sexier Vanilla - Guards (Plus Sexier Requiem - Guards)’ might be worth adding to your mod list.
Meanwhile, some of the assembled players were unable to fight off the impulses they’ve cultivated throughout their years playing Skyrim, declaring their desire to push the guards over the edge using the unrelenting force shout.