Life in Skyrim’s villages is generally pretty chill, with the hustle and bustle of cities being far away and most adventurers being off in the wilderness meeting their Shadow of Mordor-esque nemeses, fighting lore-friendly deathclaws, and trying to master their overhauled swordplay.
That said, sometimes a chaotic malcontent finds their way back to a picturesque little hamlet like Riverwood or Ivarstead and gets bored, leading to disastrous consequences for Skyrim’s innocent citizens.
One recent instance of this on Reddit is particularly galling, having seen a chicken be blasted into Oblivion by a high-velocity vegetable.
Tamrielic poultry meets a very sticky and unique demise
The thread about this tragic event in the Skyrim subreddit began with a post from the culprit, user RyanD1211, who shared a clip of them earning the ire of the guards by massacring the poor bird by using telekinesis to launch a cabbage at it, saying: “Only in Skyrim is it possible to kill chickens by throwing a cabbage at them.”
Thankfully Reddit user WhiterunGuards quickly arrived on the scene to back up their in-game comrades, barking: “By order of the Jarl, stop right there! You have committed crimes against Skyrim and her people. What say you in your defence?”
User qawsedrf12 seemingly stepped in to perform the role of RyanD1211’s lawyer, suggesting that the player was merely “trying to make a salad”, an excuse which might have proved more effective had their client not immediately declared to the guards: “I’d rather die than go to prison!”
On the other hand, user Samukuai insinuated that RyanD1211 might simply have been trying to film a Skyrim-based episode of Mythbusters: though the absence of a horker resembling Jamie Hyneman makes this idea equally unlikely to stand up in court.
While this ruckus was going on, a few amateur detectives dissected the evidence present at the crime scene, with user Skelter89 musing: “Quite a lot of blood in that cabbage” and likable_error responding: “Pretty sure that cabbage severed the [chicken’s] aorta.”
On the other hand, user Joan-ze-gobbi provided some useful testimony about the spell used to launch the cabbage, admitting: “Ah yes, telekinesis, the best spell to use to kill Grelod the kind. Throw a coin at that [woman], throw a sweet roll, throw a healing potion, throw a bucket, throw a human skull.”